Get It Right, Get It Tight
I know, it’s the most annoying broken record at the juke joint, but RAW really needs to trim that three-hour run time. I know that USA makes too much ad money with guaranteed viewing to go back to two hours, at least not now, but this past episode of Monday Night RAW, an episode leading into the Hell in a Cell PPV on Sunday, left me wondering just why in the hell did I want to watch that event more than anything else on TV this Sunday. If you’re trying to draw eyes away from the NFL, or The Walking Dead , reminding your audience that you’re just as likely to tread water when you should be doing your best Phelps impression is a good way to lose them.
Take the Stridex Confederated Universal Championship match, which is the real main event at Hell in a Cell. Featuring two indie darlings that have turned into the legit superstars of this generation in Kevin Owens and Seth Rollins, vying for the biggest prize in the company. You know what we were focused on this past Monday, the fuck damn List of Jericho. The championship took a backseat to a prop. Don’t get me wrong, The List of Jericho has become a bright spot during the three-hour show, but his journey to reclaim his burn book should not overshadow the Universal title. Ever.
But that’s what happens when you try to replicate what’s going on over at Smackdown Live, where they’re able to have a narrative through line for two hours. Something to peek back in on every couple of segments leading to a main event. On RAW, those peeks feel like they take up a bulk of the show, reducing the importance of everything around them. “I’m gonna kick your ass, and take that title, just as soon as you answer me these riddles three, Jericho!” Don’t get me wrong, there’s a place for shenanigans and Thomas’ Brand of Foolery, but not six days before you’re supposed to be locked in a cell with someone, hell-bent on destruction. At least Owens brought things back around in the end, but not before we’d all but forgotten what the hell they were fighting for.
I NEED THE GOOD CHAIR!
Speaking of “what the hell are they fighting for”, Charlotte and Sasha Banks held a contract signing for their historic Hell in a Cell match. You know, one of the THREE main event matches taking place because WWE was already too far along in their booking with Rusev and Roman Reigns when the Charlotte/Sasha match was made. Of course each cell match counts as a main event in name, but once the women’s cell match was added, it lost some of its luster. Triple Main Event sounds a lot like Lone Rangers. Can’t really be “lone” if there are three of you.
Then there’s the added pressure of being the first Hell in a Cell match to feature women, but since the build up to the match has only been about the history and not the feud, they were forced to add some spice in the final promo last night. Sasha and Charlotte, selling how much they want to hurt one another, then Mick Foley attempting to get across how brutal the matches in the past have been. “I want to be champion again.” “Well I am champion, and you can’t have it.” “I HAVE TROUBLE WITH SOLID FOODS!”
The promo wasn’t terrible, but each person took turns trying to out emote one another, but their modulators were either set to scream or brood. Nothing in between.
You Brought This On Yourself
The Ellsworth fatigue has finally set in. Yes, only one week after being the voice of the chinless, the little jobber that could overstayed his welcome. I’d say we only have ourselves to blame, but I totally called WWE running this into the ground. This story was hot. HOT, I tell you, and his presence gave it some extra padding, but in just three weeks, he’d become way too integral. Now, he may be the catalyst for a Dean Ambrose heel turn or worse, somehow being thrown into an actual triple threat. How’s about we let the big boys play this one out, and let Franklin the Turtle make his way back to jobbing.
Becky Lynch made her return to the ring, well not in a match, but she was at least back on TV after what was reported as a minor injury. Minor meaning, it didn’t happen to anyone writing about it. Anyway, her feud with Alexa Bliss was picked right back up, and Alexa went all NWO on the Lass Kicker.
What Alexa lacks in size, she more than makes up for in attitude. She’s basically Regina George if Regina could throw a punch. Best part of the mean girl act though, it never devolved into the usual cattiness they pass off as feuds for the women. This is still very much about that championship. Now they just have to keep the emotion going before these two finally have an actual match together.
Stuff and Thangs
Remember last week when WWE spent all that time getting Goldberg over on pure nostalgia and the promise of a returning superhero. “This’ll make you the biggest babyface in the whole damn company” I can hear Vince McMahon screaming. Fast forward a week. Brock Lesnar stand in front of a sold out Minneapolis crowd, to shower their hometown hero with boos? Yeah, that’s what WWE thought would happen. Instead, Paul Heyman had to pretend the crowd turned on their Aryan Blood Good, in the name of Goldberg, but that wasn’t the case. The crowd was still firmly behind their boy, and there was no audible to make. Too much had been made of Goldberg’s reception last week for any of their planned words to take effect.
In the end, Heyman and Brock cut the promo short, and left the ring. The whole thing was a massive turd that reportedly pissed Vince off something fierce. Not exactly sure how he thought the hometown crowd would turn on Brock, but that’s the game plan they ran with.
In other wrasslin news, TNA is being sued by pretty much everyone. They apparently owe a bunch of creditors over a million dollars, and even Billy Corgan is suing for control of the company he’d just bought stake in. I’d love, just one time, for the news surrounding TNA to be positive, but the entire organization has been run like a childs plaything. I hope someone comes around that knows what the hell to do with that company, otherwise the future is looking bleek for TNA Wrasslin’.
Okay, i’m done here. Feel like I glossed over your favorite part of this weeks wrasslin’ events, let me know on the Twittah Machine. If you make a strong case, we can swap BBM info and try to replicate all the old emojis. Till then….